Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987)

Title: Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987) Director: Ken Dixon Review: So I guess this is going to be the “summer of cheeze” here at ...

Title: Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987)

Director: Ken Dixon

Review:

So I guess this is going to be the “summer of cheeze” here at the Film Connoisseur, hope you guys don’t mind, but I’ve been watching and reviewing lots of cheese in my attempt to lighten up my days, considering I’m going through the old heart break. We all go through them. Its inevitable. But moving on, watching Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity is my attempt at digging a bit deeper into cheeseville, into b-movie haven. I have seen tons of these movies, and I love them. But, believe it or not, there are varying levels of cheez in b-movie world. In fact, there are some b-movies that are so bad that they are given the title of “z-movie” meaning its a peg lower on b-movie pantheon. Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity belongs in this lower peg, waaaay lower!

"So, what button should we press?"

The story for this film goes something like this: two bikini clad babes are being held prisoners in a spaceship somewhere in space. Why are they there? Who is holding them prisoner? Who the heck knows, the filmmakers want you to simply take for granted that they are slaves, that’s all! Anyhows, these two slave girls break the chains that bind them as if they were The Incredible Hulk! Where is the logic in that? Where they slipping steroids into their prison girl diet or something? Anyways, they escape from their prison and kill off two guards that are on the hallway. Apparently there is not a lot of security on this prison ship because they also manage to make their way into a small space craft. They of course know how to fly a spaceship! And so, they blast off into space. Never mind that they could probably be blasted into smithereens by the huge spaceship they are escaping from, but whatever. Off they go, saying little jokes and oneliners as they fly the friendly skies. To their chagrin, the spaceship they escape on breaks down which forces them to crash land on a strange jungle like planet. Lucky for them, they are discovered by a robot that takes them to castle Dracula where a strange and ominous man named ZED resides. Pretty soon, the girls realize that there is something not quite right with this dude. It isn’t long before they realize that they are prisoners again at the hands of a mad man! Will they be able to escape once again from the clutches of those who wish to imprison them?

"Excuse me young lady, is this the set where they are filming Ice Pirates?"

This movie was hilarious in many ways. First but not least, this has got to be one of the cheapest science fiction films ever made! I mean, the whole freaking film takes place in about 2.5 sets. The castle…and the jungle. The funny thing is that this movies poster advertises this film as “Big Movie. Big Production. Big Girls!” And it’s anything but that! This movie was so low budget that you can see the sneakers that a stunt man is wearing while wearing a monster suit! This movie is so cheap that the giant laser guns look like half assed props! This movie is so cheap, that the jungle doesn’t even look like a jungle! It looks like they put a bunch of plants inside of a set! How cheap is this movie? The characters do nothing but talk bull shit between two sets. They walk back and forth, between the castle and the jungle! That’s it! This movie is so cheap that when a spaceship crash lands, we don’t even see the crash! This movie is so cheap that the robots in the film look like left over robots from Ice Pirates (1984)! I could go on and on pointing out the cheap ass nature of this movie, but I’ll let you discover that on your own , if you ever desire to give this one a watch.

Director: "Okay, now raise her leg a little bit so we can get a look at that ass!"

And how about that dialog? It feels like it was written by horny 9 year olds! Why the hell are these two girls always talking with catch phrases and oneliners? I watched this film with my best friend, and we were counting just how many one liners and catch phrases these girls said every five seconds, we simply stopped counting after a while, they were too damn many. So be ready to hear lines like: “Something tells me there’s more in this jungle than meets the eye” and “I am so dazzling, people have to wear sunglasses!” Oh and here’s another gem: “She sacrificed herself for me…gee, fate sure does weave a twisted tapestry!” It’s this non stop barrage of bad dialog that keeps me watching. Not one line of dialog sounds natural, not a single one!

" Yay! We're making a big budget movie! Aint this fun?!"

Here is another funny thing about this movie: it has the same exact plot line of a Hammer Dracula film. You know how in those old Hammer Dracula films the basic initial premise was always the same: a car breaks down and the good guys see Dracula’s castle off in the distance, so they decide to go in and spend the night. Once there, they are welcomed and fed, and then at some point in the middle of the night, Dracula feeds on them? Well, that’s basically the same story we have here! The girls crash and decide to stay the night on the villains’ castle. The villains name is Zed, and he behaves exactly in the same manner Dracula would. He even dresses entirely in black! At first he is a nice guy, inviting everyone to dinner, giving them nice dinner clothes. Once in the dinner table, the guests are treated to a feast and an intelligent conversation. But then, half way through the movie he decides he wants to hunt everyone! Because he is a freak of hunting! He loves to hunt and kill things! To top things off, the guy looks like an older version of Christian Bale, its kind of uncanny actually!

This movie is part of a series of films that were made with the sole purpose of getting horny teenagers to rent them. They were made by the same company responsible for similar titles like Beach Babes from Beyond (1993) Galactic Gigolo (1987) Creepozoids (1987) and Assault of the Killer Bimbos (1988). All of them had “actresses” in skimpy suits, and had mild nudity in them. Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity was no exception. At a certain point, it feels like you are watching a soft porn science fiction film, only it really doesn’t have that much sex, save for one “steamy” sex scene in which the characters have their underwear on! And speaking of underwear, these girls start the movie in skimpy bikini’s, and end the whole rest of the film wearing their underwear! And the underwear looks like something they could have bought on Victoria’s Secret Catalog or something! I thought it was kind of funny, whenever these girls would do anything, the camera angles are purposely set up so we can check out the actresses’ assets! So it’s that kind of a sleazy movie.

 I’ve gone on long enough about this one, you might get the idea that it is actually good. But trust me, it isn’t. Aside from its stupidity and its “funny” dialog, the film is an incredible bore. Characters simply walk and talk, then they fight some guy in a suit, then they walk and talk some more. From one cheap set to the next. But I’m sure it would make for a great film to watch with a bunch of friends, with pizza and beer. Still, it kind of boggles the mind how these filmmakers managed to make the whole thing for about 100,000! I need to find the guy who said okay to that! Maybe he will fund one of my movies! Any producers out there listening? I love cheesy movies and I’m willing to make them! Any rich dude out there willing to spend a million bucks on an indy production?! I promise it will be a million times better than Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity!

Rating: 1 out of 5